janeaustin2006

Well Here I am Again, damnit

2005-01-04T05:24:31Z

I don't know what it is that is so intriguing (and yes I know it spelled it wrong but if you know it GOOD FOR YOU!!!) about reading this online posts and responding to them, but its 12am something and I just couldn't resist. Well my break was smashing, not that many people care now but you know what I don't really care about yours so we're both happy not to care about each other, so the world makes sense again. I finished lets see.....8 scafs all made by hand, and now I am working on a shaw that will probably be to big, but I don't care I will wear it anway, and takes 10 scans of yarn to make (if you don't know what a scan is then your life won't be changed if you do, so deal). I am sitting here, wanting an email that I never get when I want, and wondering why some people deam to lose the one lasting relationship that they will ever be garanteed to have. Believe me I know because I have an aunt and uncle that have been through shit and yet they still love their kids. Proving that on some level blood is thicker than water. But forget about all that, because its not important, and waht is you ask. School and I would greatly like to return there and bury myself in a big bio book and forget that humans are enevatably human. They broadcast their problems because they fear no one will care, and then push away the truth because it isn't always pretty. And then on their death bead they regret keeping the "yes" people and regret even more not keeping the "I'm telling you the plain truth people". If this makes some of you kids mad, well good at least you aren't yet void of all that wonderful stuff called human emotion because it is what lets us know we are alive. So distroy your future, make fools of yourselves, or do great things like actually enjoying life, or going abroad and seeing new places. We are young, and this is our time to become wiser than we were, for cryng out loud take your damn brass ring and don't put it off for anyone. Think about it, in the end, we are all alone. The end meaning death, the biggest thing we will face and all that we will take with us is our memories of life, and right now when life is full of energy and brass rings, take one and do great things. Become a whole individual, try to stamp out the weaknesses that keep you back and embelish the good things with practice and refining. Only then, will you find it all waiting for you, following dreams that lead to your greatest achievement in your eyes is what makes you happy, and those we meet along the way that give us the light of truth make the path more planed out and controlable. I'm not getting all religious here, those who know me know that I'm not a big one on that (scientist, yeah I'm going to hell *joke for some who didnt catch it*) but think of how hard it is to keep up hiding something, you have to work at it, keep it up, but eventually it fails and what happens, oh drama!

God it is Like an evil maganet! WHY!!!!

2004-12-21T19:45:00Z

Here I am sitting in my room, still in my pj's which I tend to do a lot during break. The TV is blaring in the background because if I don't have my imagination focusing on something I will again see that little girl in the corner of my eye standing there staring at me. I think she is asking one of two questions Who the hell are you? and or What are you doing in my house? I always thought that she was a little girl that haunted me all my life. I remeber seeing her stare at me on the landing of my aunts old house where the spinning wheel was. I remeber her watching me clean the old cabin for my mom's surprise birthday party. I remeber her footsteps behind me as I walk alone at night on the Emory campus. And now she is here standing at my bedroom threshold staring me down with those big dark eyes that seem to penatrate my very soul. Personal ghost or demon I guess, maybe a little subconcious form of me going who the hell have you become and why? Reason for this idea is I was never scared of her as a child, I would see her in my imagination and think nothing of it. Gradually as I grew up I became more frightened, hence the fear of staring, eye contact, dolls, and the Grudge. Yeah that pretty much sums it up, I think that at the end of my life she will be there clear as day staring me down. Kinda creepy right, yeah I think so too.
Lately I have been paranoid about everyone and their motives, some more than others, usually the closer they are the more I suspect them. Proving that I would never make a good ruler because if I were there would be a lot of people in dungens ( I don't like that whole "cut off their head" bit even if it is in my favorite book "Alice in Wonderland") I don't know, after the fact that my grandparents could do such a thing as they did to my family (3 people including me) I just don't see why if blood can do it, that non-blood can just as easily do it. Also the fact that no matter how you can come up and get in my face I will either say something to make you leave my life forever or not say a word back to you. Lately I have been doing the first, saying something to make people leave my life and not come back. Not all to uncommon with me, there was this one time I was cleaning the floors of the band room. A boy that had made my day a living hell walked across it with his muddy feet, making my work mean nothing. To combat this I said "you know, seeing as to who this building is dedicated to I would think you would have a little bit more respect for it than that." Means nothing really until you find that the boys dead parents were the ones who the building was dedicated to. I come up with horrible things to say like that and then later feel terrible for saying them. But as they say once something is said there can be no taking it back. Frankly there is one who deserved this, others I just am preparing for the day that they will do something simialar (like wish secretly that they were never around me to begin with but not say a word to me about it). Is it self pitty, no not really although it may seem like it very much so. It is the pesimistic view that one day those closest to you will hurt you most of all and either stay around and give you reasons why it wasn't their fault or leave completely and not give a reason for it. At present it seems like a lot of again the first is going on. I would love someone to come up and shake me and go "NO ITS NOT AND HERE IS THE PROOF" but there seems to be no proof to disclaim it sadly enough. Blame my need for the truth now on those (grandparents) who at the time had and still have the chance to come clean and won't make me think that its going on everywhere now.
Or blame it on the fact that I am severly destraut about losing my childlike nievity. I used to not question anything (if it made sense) glulable as that made me I trusted more as well. I fell out of it during the 11th grade due to a series of events, call them bad or learning experiances what you will, but then a year passed, a good one and I was fine, but I had also gotten to comfortable which is probably why a bunch of guys had a crush on me my senior year and were to afraid to tell me. Hah, I didn't know that I was that cool until later and away and then they told me (why that was useful info I don't know, bare with me).
But then college came, I was out of my extremely small goldfish bowl into a huge tank (well it was huge to me). I had to get along with someone I had never really met or gotten to know, and then there were a whole hall of girls that I had to get along with (hot water wise) and then get used to a new way of doing things. At that time my image of a college dorm was equal to that of the only dorms I knew of at the time. Oak Hill dorms and I really didn't want to live with any of those scary inner city girls so frankly I wanted to run away from that room screaming, but I didn't. To my dismay change doesn't sit well with me, so yes I watched my parents' car fade out of sight and I was about to burst into tears because for the first time ever I was entirely on my own and in a place about an hour away from home. Scary for the only child whose Friday nights and weekends consisted of hanging with the family and nothing else. I wasn't a big dater, explains my lack of knowledge in how the whole girl + boy thing is. I was never aloud to think it was that big of a deal, not a bad thing unless you are on the recieving end so I am told. I just don't think that relationships right now take any importance over anything, in my book in highschool relationships with guys came to rest under sleeping maybe (I never wrote this stuff down) but it was more important to sleep than have a boyfriend. I always felt sorry for the girls who put it higher, they seemed to be more unhappy than happy. Except on Valentines day when the office turned into a flower shop (dumbest day in the year) I was kinda down then, but hey that was 1 day compared to the 364 days when I was ok with the fact. Well then there were dances and proms but dates for those are kinda over rated anyway and they always tended to follow around like a little love sick pup, sad I thought, but hey its highschool.
College then got to be the home away from home, but this campus was also where a bunch of my cousins came and met the "one" if you would really call it that. Personally I don't believe in the "one" because the chances of you winning the lottery are better than meeting the "one" so I believe that there is this pool of people male and female that could be compatable with everyone in it. But morality requires one, so you have to pick one and be satisfied with your choice. So when people my age started talking about finding the "one" and marriage, their parents wanting grandkids I was suprised because in my mind we all were still just kids playing grown-ups going to college. Now Emory just seems like a larger high school, but later. Back to the point, a girl got pregnant and married across the hall, people were having guys sleep over in their rooms at night, new to me because I wasn't wanting to get that grown up yet. I was like Joe off of Little Women "why must we marry or grow up at all, why can't we stay as we are now" my thoughts exactly because doing all these things brought about change and I don't like it. Had nothing to do with morals I just really don't like drastic changes, and this was one from my original home life. I got used to it but at first I was like that drawing of a fish in a blender (funny if you have seen it).
This past semester was the hardest five months to handle because they brought change left and right. One I had all these hard classes that didn't change much but were effected a lot by the change going on else where. Something that I will have to guard against from now on. But change from happily single to kinda happy couple (truthfully, I still don't know why I entered into that relationship that I knew would have to annoy me a little, and would end up making me look bad if I ever got out of it, not that I didn't care its just I don't know if it was really worth it to the other person or to me). Change because due to my lack of judgement I was kept out of knowing the truth of what was going on really and losing a bunch of friends in the process, bad because I had to move from a familar environment to an unfamilar one and spend the rest of the time getting familar. Change because the one person I thought I knew let me know that really I don't know them at all, and I still don't know if I do and that scares me because it to is a change, change in preception. I don't like change, if I had it my way, I would still be in a familar environment (not the dorm, just the atmosphere) someone would have never made their way into my life and wedged me from the atmosphere and I would have not of had the chance to make some of the bad choices I have made. Yeah, regretfully I am not as wise as I wish I were, but I am still trying to find the flaws and patch them up.
If I had my way I would just end up right now as the eternal 8 year old where the world was magical, nothing bad really happened and everyone really wanted to be there with you because they were all having fun together. Dancing in the fields was the best fun had during a day, and the woods were an entirely new country altogether to be explored and claimed in the name of all curious 8 year olds everywhere (Mainly me and my two cousins). Relationship drama was as real then as clouds are made of cotten balls now. Happiness wasn't something that had to be worked for, it just was. Peace and quite could be found beside a river, on the top of a hill or in the rapids where the cool water rushing down drowned only the sound of the distant highway. Rain was the equal of any water park, thunder an lightening were a wonder and the world always paused for, and a sunny day found you at the lake with you parents water skiing and eating subs from subway. Fall brought the chance to dress up in foolish or fancy outfitts and parade everywhere in them, the woods turned to firery colors and ghost, vampires, witches and goblins were always hiding in the dark somewhere or on a neighbooring house or two. Winter brought trips to ski slopes and that magical stuff called snow and ice. You could fly on water and down a hill and the world again was muted. The ocassional power outage was welcome, and playing blackjack for pennies by candle light was the highlight of any season. Christmas was the warmth of a wood heated house, good food and the coolest presents ever and the New Year was a chance to plan it all again.
You ask me what I want? I want happiness to be a simple thing that can be found anywhere, not sought out and rarely found by you and the ones around you. I want the magic to return, not exactly in child form but in adult form. Was there not a time when the magic of new relationships, new classes, new knowledge, and new experiances excited everyone? Where is it, I don't see it anymore. I want back the old friendships that meant so much to people that nothing could wedge them apart and the truth is told and as being friends they could tell each other anything and really listen instead of go through the acts of being friends. Because being a friend and acting like a friend are as different as kindness vs. cruelty. I want the peace of ming back where there was no worry about what will happen and what has to be done to fix things, I want it to where you know what is and what isn't and really that is all you can do. I want truth, love, and friendship, why do I find these things so hard to find. Because no matter what I try now, give up, don't do or do it is never there in its raw form. Why? I don't know but that is what I see now, and that is why I am bitchy, angry, scared, sad, paranoid the world has changed and like the imortals of Anne Rice I didn't change with it. Or maybe I did and I don't see it, I became the monster without the mirror to see how bad I have really have become, or maybe the little girl is the mirror and that is why with each passing year she grows even still more terrifying than the last in my mind's eye.

Why do I even bother with this updating thing anymore, no one really cares

2004-12-21T03:40:21Z

Breaks have always been and bitter sweet realization for me. The sweet part is the fact that I am home, in my own little space and I can do what ever strikes my fancy. I can sleep in, not do anything for a day or make scarvs for everyone on the planet so it seems. You know it is important to keep the world warm I guess. Bitter you see just how much your "friends" really care. They either annoy you with phone calls or they just forget you exist. It seems that it is the better ones, or the ones that you think you can trust with everything that forget you exist. That or they know they can call, email when ever and haven't told the truth about certain asspects of why they can't. But hey, maybe for one journal I won't tounge lash some poor person who may infact deserve it, I won't pitty myself for once as you all know and think I like to do so well. No I am going to ask you all for something for next semester. Leave me be, I don't want to be drug into anymore drama. I want to live in my own little room without all the noise, gossip and meaningless chatter for once. I want to be alone, I want to be left alone. I don't want anything to happen like this past semester. I want peace, quite, and to be able to invite or deny anyone enterance into my little world. I'm not going to listen anymore, and I am not going to talk, and if I have to I will walk away without a word. I am banishing stupidity, selfishness, gossip, bad thoughts, and untruthfulness from my world and anyone who enters it with any of these must leave me as soon as they come because I will have none of it anymore. I understand now that for some reason you have chosen not to talk I mean really talk to me and that is fine because more and more I find myself not caring and not wanting to know what is going on in your life and how you are feeling because I never mattered enough for you to tell me. So why the carade, I ask you, why not the truth that I am begging for. Well now if you will not give it to me prepare for a locked door because I will not open it. This is final and this is my choice, deal.

janeaustin2006 @ 2004-12-12T12:49:00

2004-12-12T18:13:05Z

You know I have something to say, and then this will be the last you ever hear from me on here. Give it up!!!!! God you all put the importance on the wrong thing. You all be little me for living in the past with Adam, but hey I never obsessed over him by writting poems, or holding pitty parties because of it. Some bad happens and you expect the world to come knocking at your door asking what they could do. Here is a big hint, they won't!!!!! Who is this directed to? I'll let you know, because if it pisses everyone off, then so be it. I am speaking my mind out loud and with out worry about what they are going to think for once.

Jessalyn: You knew about the project, you knew who was doing what in the group. We all choose what we were going to do. We all took it upon ourselves to come to the meetings, find out when they were, and come to class to compare how our project was going to match up with the others. That first meeting was understandable, but then when I have to go and tell the people in our group that you can't make it, and I know that you are in the caf just "hanging out" that becomes a ethical problem. Should I help you out, or should I look at you as the way you should be looked at. Someone who cared more about when she is going to go to the next club than when she can get in touch with the group and see how she can add something to the whole. I'm sorry, you left no messages on my phone, you didn't im, email or anything until the night before. A little late for wondering what the hell you are going to do. And then think that the four of us are going to just hand over our hard work to you just so you can shine. Ummmmm, no!!!! I don't care if you are my god damn twin I will not do such a thing for you. This is your life, I can't make you try to excell in it. So there, go and ask for pitty, because I have absolutely none. Stop using me as an excuse to your problem because you had every oppurtunity to do well and you, yourself blew that, so don't you dare say "it was monica's fault that I did badly, because no it wasn't" Face it, it was you, you just don't want to realize it.

Kannan: I see what you are up to, and it makes me sick. But you love drama I am told, knock yourself out. And yes, if you knew only what I would love to do to you, you have a very big reason to be scared shitless of me. My advice, keep doing what you are doing, avoiding me at all costs.

To all the others, (excluding Jess, Andy, Patrick, Kate, and all the other poor souls that have unwittingly found themselves caught in the web spun by certain individuals): I see your scows, I see you stare as I walk by, I can almost hear your goddamned hatefull thoughts, and you know how I responde to that? I don't give a shit anymore. Oh no!!! I didn't let Kannan use me as an unwitting little girl like he would have liked me to be. Oh no!!! I didn't do Jessalyn's part of the project so she could party and dress nicely for things that should only be done when you have the time. I feel really bad, bad monica bad! Seriously, I know this sounds heartless, and it is, so what. I am heartless when it comes to being used and stupidity. So there you now know where I stand, because that was so important to you last time right, to know where you stood? So you didn't have to ask, not that you even tried anyway, you were hoping to get me out of the picture, and now you have it. Congrats, but let me let you in on a little secret. Some people already see this too, they are just way nicer and kinder than I am (Halsey blood runs thick in these veins, along with the temper and the evil plotting thoughts to boot, I am my grandfather's grandaughter). But do no doubt that they see what I see, they just except the flaw, but are wiser to it. Don't you dare think that you have the upper hand because when you least expect it, there will always I don't care how imortal you think you are, there will always be that snake waiting in the shadows for the right moment to present your flaws to the world.

janeaustin2006 @ 2004-11-13T12:50:00

2004-11-13T19:05:57Z

Dressed up and no where to go. That is kinda what the theme of the day is. Normally in the stadium playing with the band, but hey that isn't really true due to the fact that only gone to what, 3 games. I don't reall feel in the mood for spirited cheering and celebration. Now in days I feel like being pensive is more in reason than anything. A total review of my actions is in order and then a few goals that need to be set need to be drawn out and placed on my mental table. Priceless lesson I have learned, when you aren't given a reason for trust, don't. If you haven't been given a reason to love, don't. And if you find that people will avoid you for the slightest reason, then they really don't deserve any of your spare time. Especially if they are not willing to do the same. Synical yes? Well that is just me, how I have been molded by my actions over time. True most of its my fault and I should be more guided with my feelings, whom I put my trust in, but I thought that just once I would put that asside and go against this grain that has protected me for a while. Turns out that grain was more protective of me than I realize. My mistakes can't be taken back and I can't repair anything ruined by them. So where does this leave me, she who has gone against her morals set down by the two people who knew the pain it would cause if I didn't. She who thought that tring to trust people blindly for a change, she who let them in like a unsepecting cell lets in a bacterial cell thinking that there is nothing wrong. Well it has been proven to her that letting someone close hurts everytime because in the end she will eventually have nothing of value worth to offer them. She will become boring and familar. She will become useless to the ones who at first wanted to be with her, around her, wanted to hear her voice, hear her footsteps down the hall. She will lose her excitement, and become one of those beings of long ago religions before christianity that faded to the earth when forgotten. No she won't die, she will just become distant, appart from what she used to know in comfort, warmth and hope.

Fall Break Football games in Grayson

2004-10-08T16:00:31Z

Fall break has been going well so far, I've got to do a lot of lazying about and amazingly enough I got my calculis homework finished and didn't let it wait till the last minute. So now I have to make flash cards for biology and bioethics and I'll be fine. I have to get with it today and get my car inspected, maybe go out to Java J's for some strong coffee and then return to the house where we are leaving straight away for Grayson County to see the band play, especially my cousin play the flute and the football game. I think this game may be more rewarding than the last Emory game but hey right now football is all these guys have to keep them going. Emory football players have quite a bit more going for them I hope than just football.

Last night gave us the scare of our lives, the alarm system at our home went off meaning anything from stray animal to real break in where they are pawing over our things. So at 11:30pm my mom wakes me up from watching Big Fish to the fact that we were driving to Grayson and coming back in the same night. I don't like having my childhood home gone through and especially when it isn't an invited tour. That part of me only two friends have ever really seen. One being Jess when she stayed over at my house, and my prom date Travis. Those two where the only ones and might be the only ones. I just hold many memories there that not many people know. I don't think anyone can name 10 things about that house that had an impact on my life and there are millions. So the fact that a possible person was walking around in there wasn't a good happy thought in my mind. So when the question of firearms was posted by my dad I was all for it. Don't kill the asshole that entered my childhood haven, just shot them in the knee with something high powered maybe. Something that would remind them if they ever got the itch again to break in, "oh yeah the last time I tried that I had my knee exploded, maybe I should just not do that". But since it was so late and I was half assleep anyway I didn't push the fact that I didn't like the idea of not having anything to protect us. So we went, we looked, everything was fine, we breathed a sigh of relief, killed a mouse, locked up, and when back to the house. So that was my night last night. But today we are going back to see home again and remember when we were a bit younger and still believed in really trusting people to do anything for us. But I have to rememeber that there is a small percentage in that county who can be trusted and then going back doesn't seem so much like slipping into a country that we have been exiled from.

Mom gave me a pep talk about not sticking my nose up, looking mad or trying to avoid people. She likes to say these things because I have stopped looking people in the face and not telling them how I really feel, well just when that feeling is a feeling of anger, abandonment, and such. I can express those pretty honestly. If I don't like you for the moment or ever don't expect me to look at ya and smile. Now expressing affection and such, not so good at because that isn't defensive, I've had less practice on that so. But offensive yeah I'm gett pretty good at that. So now that I have rambled enough I will say that I'm going to enjoy going back because I have learned something new. I'm going to look happy, content and settled. HAHAHA!!!!! See the thing that will drive Doung T. Janita B. Mike G. and all the others crasy is if we three show up happy and content, because I happen to know for a fact that they aren't right now and if being happy is the biggest annoyance to them right now then bring it on I'm ready to see them sqwirm like they thought they would make us do. heheheheheh, revenge can be bad, but I hey I'm just walking in front of them the whole superhero suit thing isn't really my deal. (I just saw Dare Devil, fighting in leather? has to be uncomfortable)

here is what I want from you all

2004-09-23T03:31:49Z

Ok, here is what I want from all you all, plain and simple:

Kannan: I want you to go with what you feel and do what ever the hell you want to do, I can't tell you what to do, and yes I have called you numerous times so you can't claim that you were feeling unwanted by me, because I wouldn't call you unless I wanted to talk to you. So it is all up to you now, I want you to want me, but I can't make you and I'm not going to it just wouldn't be fair so I'm going to be patient and let you decide what you want, and you can call the room now damnit so call! see I'm taking away that excuse so whatcha going to do now huh? ( I know you already have, but I'm just posting the question so you will know that you are never going to be imprisioned by me.) yeah I know bad speller wooohooooo!!

Andy: I'm sorry that I made you the middle man, I don't want anything from you except what you have been giving me without fuss or gripe, your friendship, thats it, and an invite on your bikerides I need desperately to get into shape. God invite me to play tennis sometime damnit!!!! I have a racket, and plus you are a great guy and any girl who doesn't want to date you is crazy and blind. Hell if I knew you would date me I would jump up in an instant but hey being your friend is far less confussing, and longer lasting.

Leigh: The next time you want to confuse Kannan, use something you learned in a class that you know he won't know about. Don't use other people in your plans and don't tell things that you don't know are fact. We all fall into the cracks of that but hey I don't know do whatever, You need to remember that liking someone isn't the most important thing right now and you shouldn't let it take over your life. I know I have made a big deal over my stuff, but really when it comes right down to it, I really think I'm a bit stupid for it, it doesn't matter who you like. Like yourself and the rest will fall in place

Patrick: I don't know what the hec I want from you, strike that, yeah I do you just won't agree to it, wink, you stud muffin you, I just thought I would scare ya a little

Jessica: how dare I ask anything more from you because I have no right to, you are the best and most trusted person and woe to the person who tries to fuck with that, I look up to you in so many ways and I know I can never be as good a student, person or anything else for that matter as you are and I love ya for it!! Thank you for all that you have done and all that you will do, you are like the sister I never had, and I am so glad that by some chance we got slapped in a room together I'm going to have a mental break down at graduation I just know it.

To the Rest of ya: I hate all this fucking drama, you want to make up stories about me, fine play away, you want to ruin friendships fine ruin them, but know this no matter what you do I can still move to a place that you will never find, and can never go and I will never see your face again. so you think you have a hold on my life and the people in it, eeeeeeeeeehhhhhh WRONG, I shall never be owned, I shall never be conquered, and I will succeed against you in the end. Know this I tell it like it is, my stories never change and I don't have to worry about making things up because I don't have the fucking time. So you think you can ruin me, think again damnit because I have my own plans and none of them concern you at all. So either play fucking nice or leave me the fuck alone. (I love to use that word now, its all Adil's fault)

Alone, in my room, letting my mind run, this isn't healthy!!!

2004-09-09T01:15:56Z

I have become the worlds biggest hermit tonight, and not really by choice but kinda. Jess has band, and if things had of turned out the way I had planned, or thought they just might there would be someone calling or over here. Oh well things don't go to plan, to many damn varriables that don't cancel out, can't divide and can't be added because they have different letters. Yeah I've been doing calculis for the past three hours so I have math on the mind. I wish people would just tell me what they really think and feel, not keep it in because they are afraid that I'll be unhappy, or get sad. God!!! I'll get over it and move on, don't hold back with me, I would rather know the truth than be in the dark. Really, I would!!! So I guess this means that everyone has a meaningful life except me. Sad isn't it, everyone has a thing and mine is sit around and wait for the phone to ring. But in the mean time I have a schedule to print out, Cds to burn, and a movie to get about vampires so I can dress up as one for halloween. So here goes I'm leaving the room, doing things yet again bymyself while everyone else is yet to be located for the fun part of college. This year has been weird, does anyone agree, just plain out weird. Hopefully this isn't a trend.

Being told your special, but being forgotten anyway

2004-08-24T01:36:34Z

It funny how so many of my friends tell me I hold a special place in their hearts, and some of them I really think I do. But others I think its just all words and not truth at all. Yeah, I really do, but please prove me wrong because this I really don't want to be right about. The last of the semester I went through all this hell and now it is starting again. You know I would give anything if it was just me, my hormones, my thyroid I really wish it was that, and I could fix it and get back to normal. But I don't think it is, but by all means please prove me wrong. I guess in all the excitment plans that were made that were supposed to include me, Abingdon was just to far away, and those who said that they would call as soon as they got back maybe they just forgot my number. Or maybe I'm just being a total bitch, and I'm wrong, and suffering from hormonal only child syndrome. If so, this will end in about 4 days so bare with me. So as to coming back to emory here are some things to remember about me. No one of the male sex are going to be found doing anything with me other than dancing, because my GPA can't afford it. I will be working so that will take a lot of my spare time. I am going to cease caring about being forgotten because I'm just going to keep reminding myself that if I was really wanted around you all would let me know some how. So that is one less thing to think about. And finally tell me the truth, even if you think it will hurt me, its better than just not knowing at all and being in the dark. I would like to know why I'm being forgotten. But for now, lets just start the year and then we'll deal with this. To Kannan, yeah "I'm not coming back, boohoo" yeah whatever, you knew you were coming back you just wanted to see how many people would pankic if you didn't. Sorry I played the game, blonde moment. Leigh I can't wait to see you girl, we seriously need to think about getting a three person room next year somewhere. Hopefully my gpa will rise and we'll all get into damer. To the rest I guess I will see you around on campus, no worries, no big deal. Later

Feeling unwanted for no reason (ugh), mean things moms can say

2004-08-20T21:30:47Z

I thought I might be excited about coming back to Emory but now I'm not so sure. No Kannan its not just because you're not coming back either. Just because we aren't dueling friends anymore doesn't mean that everything is about you. Hahaha, just messing with, but no really its not. You all were right about me, I have this inferiority complex, that compounded with a horrible spelling complex (bad experiance with a spelling book, horrible, still have nightmares). Any way I feel this great sense of not being wanted around, yeah I guess it is crazy. But do you ever get that feeling that people are just being nice to you just because its easier than sharing their real feelings? Maybe its just me and it will go away, paranoia is one of my upcoming qualities which I don't like and want to get rid of. Kannan you are right I don't like grey areas, I like cut and dry black and white situations and relationships where I know exactly what to do and when. I'm a creature of habit that is why I buy things that I think will make me more organized,(sorry Jess I bought bookshelves that match our dorm funiture, I'm seriously turning into Monk, God help me, and I also bought that cabinet thing that will match out furniture and go on top of the microwave I hope, don't hate me) But here is my theory another reason I give to be the way I am. I don't think I have much time to rest relax or just plain out have fun this summer. My life, even on Sundays has been devoted to the Martha Washington. In my mom's famous speech "We wake up you're gone! We get home you're gone!" is true. I have spent more time in that bloody hotel than I have at home, so is it possible I ask you to be messed up by little sleep and to much work? The answer is quite obvious YES!!!! So for two weeks I'm going to try out working, other people do it during the year why can't I? I don't know, I apoligize to Jess, Matt and a few others if I seem odd, confussing and a little disinchanting, I'm truely sorry. I will try my upmost not to think that I'm being forgotten, left behind and just plain unwanted. Because that isn't (I hope) what you all think about me, and if it is I'm really sorry to, its not your fault really. Just bare with me, and in a week or two I will be just fine.

On addition to my feeling tired Mom just asked when I was getting off for tomarrow. I told her about 4:30pm, well she was disappointed (not in a sad way, but I'm annoyed way). On top of feeling like I'm not worthy to be around, God love her no one can do it better than my mother. She said "well we might just go on, because if we rush to get there that will be stressful, and its missery when we get there (meaning we would have to come back early for me to go to work)" I told her that I would just miss it then, and then she fusses about the curtains. See summer to me is a double edged sword. Mom in all her wonders can be pretty heartless when she wants to be, which is where I get it from, but really she is a good woman and I respect her. I have been trying so hard this summer not to scream and run away, but thankfully this summer I have been to tired to do that. Plus missing my friends and not being as free to do what I want with my time is bad as well. I don't feel like I could please her in anyway and that is maybe another reason why I'm feeling like I could never please my Emory friends and I somehow seem to do. No granted Leigh has it worse than me by far, I seem to let it effect me more than she does, so Leigh teach me your skill of blocking out the Jeckle Moms because I need to learn. That or move out as quickly as possible. Later

Same old stuff

2004-08-18T22:26:34Z

Everyday it seems I drag myself out of bed to the sound of three alarm clocks, work my way to the bath room through a sea of bright blinding light and try to brush my teeth and create this happy "I'm your wonderful waitress" aura so I can go to work and smile at the people I'm working for. God, I really don't want to work during the year but when I posed the question to Mark about me taking a leave of absence for the year he gave me this "I'm lost without you look" so naturally I decided to give the working during the school year a two week try. I'm a softy when it comes to those who are in charge of me, I try to make things happen that they want to no matter what the cost is to me. That is why this summer I have lots of money in the bank but I'm not really happier about it since the fact that I haven't really gotten any sleep. I'm thinking of quiting but that would just make me have to go through the deal of going to place to place asking if they are hiring anyone. Ugh! What to do? I don't know, I'll see how this next week and the week after that go and if it gets to hard then I can say "to hell with this" and bum money off my mom and dad once the checking funds are depleted. Pity I thought working where I work a step up from where I worked last year. Even though I made less money last year I was happier, and now the only reason I want to go back to school is to get away from waking up at 4am everyday. Try it, it is awlful and then to get paid off by people that don't care how busy you are they want what ever they want and they want it now. I ask you, should a summer job be this tasking, or is it the fact that biology is envoled and next week I will be peachy and think "its damn good to have a cash flow in" Well I say if other people can do it I can to and what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, or it just kills you. On a happier note, the super cool shirts that I have been eyeing all summer finally went on sale. Jessica and Leigh you need to get to K-Mart and buy one or two. I got both black and the nutral color so....but damn they are cool!!!!!

Yeah, two in one night, I'm a sad little person!!!

2004-08-18T03:06:23Z

Well well well. I kinda read my first entry and the one that I posted first didn't post, and then the one that did only posted half I think so damn. Favorited word now is damn, used to be shit, but now its damn. I really need to stop cusing because it just sounds bad and I don't know how to use it tastefully so until I do I think I might try to refrain from them. Also zinggers, I use those a lot too, and I think that they get worse, there were a few times I had something smartass to say, just to see if people would laugh this weekend, but since we were in mixed company I thought, no I don't want to be hated by Kannan's entire family so I refrained from that too. Go thing because his mom probably thinks I'm a little prick for waking her up. So anyway I'm home again listening to an Irish band who kicked ass at the Highlands festival. They were so good and enjoyed what they did that I really wanted to get up and spin around and hop and try to do a irish jig of some sort, but I looked at Andrew who was with me and he had already said that he didn't like dancing of any kind. So naturally I had to get him out of my life because for some reason now, "good dancer" has been added to the list of qualities I would like in a guy. hehehehe, I'm imposible. Any way I got entered into the Long family this weekend by Jess's cat Rachel! It was cool, I was mimicking the way she was laying and she let me rub her belly. It was the only time naturally because later she just ran away from me. But for one shining moment I got excepted into the Long's family pet favorite list. Yeah it was cool and now I want a cat, but my parents aren't pet people so I will have to wait on that. But also pets don't last long around the Halsey house hold. They usually get boiled (the fish), eaten by a hawk (the cats all three of them), or dognapped by mexicans (yeah, cindy was a people person and we never saw her again, crazy mutt). So I think that I'm going to have to get some practice getting to know how to care for pets from other people. So hopefully this all gets on the Journal, or I'm just goin to give up entirely and go back to bloop, where its dumbed down to highschool level.

back to the grindstone again

2004-08-18T00:39:04Z

Tonight I will get the refrig, phone, and fan to take to Jess, since she is back at Emory now. I will come back, take a nice little shower, wash my hair, straighten it, dry it and go to bed. At 3am my first alarm clock will go of, then at 3:30am my second alarm clock will go off, then at 4am my thrid and final wake up call will sound. I will get up, make sure my uniform is clean, ironed, and I will get dressed. I will leave the house at 5:15am and go to the Martha. Make gallons of coffee, hot water, and cream for the front desk and make sure I have everything in place. 7am the customers will walk in and want coffee and what ever they want for breakfast. Its a lunch day so I will work until 3:30 or so in the afternoon and then come home. Lay down for a while, check and see if it is alright with Jess if I bring another load and see if she has any spare time to shop or something and then do the exact same thing that night. You now see why this weekend was such a great thing. Thanks to Kannan, Jessica, her parents, and Leigh for giving me a great reason to run away from Abingdon for three days and enjoy what is left of my summer. Because when I'm around you all I don't have to worry about the food being cold, unpaid checks, or a halg empty coffee cup. You all have kept me from going crazy and this will sustain me until we get to hang out again during the year. hehehe. love yall, later, bye!

First entry on here.

2004-08-18T00:28:19Z

So I am back at home, I helped Jess and her dad move her in, and I kinda put a few things in of my own. I'm ready for school to start at least to break the weekly ritual of getting up at 4am every morning and opening up and waiting on people that really in fact don't care if you are dead or alive. But I think that this summer has been good at getting me out of my shell, and I can now try to keep things in and let a few things out as well. This weekend was good though, three days of just enjoying life and friends. I miss you all dearly, and can't wait to see you all in fine form as you always seem to be. No more chemistry for me, or at least no Leong, so hopefully the drama level will be at a low. I will try to be more patient and trusting this year, and hopefully things will fall back into